You've Got to be Joking
by Alyce of the Togas
Summary: Femslash: HermionePansy. Hermione and Pansy get themselves landed in a safe house together all because of Dumbledore. Spin-off to "You Want What". Discontinued for the moment.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. They belong to J.K. Rowling. I'm not making any money from this in any way.

Slash of the male/male and female/female kind will eventually be appearing in this story. If you don't like slash, or the idea of Harry/Severus or Hermione/Pansy, then please leave. Don't read what you don't like.

Chapter One.

Everything changed after Harry disappeared about a month before Christmas.

Before that – it was all normal. He was beside Ron and me, laughing, messing around, and even studying. When I asked Professor Dumbledore where Harry had gone, he just replied that he's somewhere close, but absolutely safe. At the time I thought it was for the best – that Harry was safe. Now I'm not quite sure.

Things definitely changed just before Christmas and the fateful Ball that Dumbledore held for the Winter Equinox.

There was that 'friend' of Professor Snape's that showed up. Miss Jamari Paton. Now if I ever saw a more girly woman, with all of that eyeliner and elaborate hair than Miss Paton than I would be surprised. Not to mention all of those bloody high heels she constantly wore. She was once the relief teacher for Defence, and was doing a _practical_ Defence and Evasion lesson while wearing them…

Then Draco Malfoy. From the cold Ice Prince of Slytherin to a mushy little puppy whenever he came near Miss Paton. That was strange. Especially the time when he was flirting so much with her in Potions that his cauldron exploded covering him with pink goo. Heh – that was a good Potions class…

But the Winter Equinox was the climax of all this strangeness that had been building up over the year. At first I thought I was just studying too hard for NEWTS, but it was that night that changed everything.

Snape came out in front of the whole school and proposed to Miss Paton, then proceeded to thoroughly snog her on the dance floor. Draco after seeing them snogging, claimed that he loved Miss Paton with all of his heart and that he had deflected publicly to the side of the Light to prove it, while at the same time he also named at least a dozen other Slytherins who had as well…

And from there it all went downhill, but I won't bore you with the details.

During all of this chaos Harry was apparently safe. But I'm still not quite sure if I think it was for the best. If Harry hadn't disappeared, and that Miss Paton hadn't showed up – I bet none of this would have ever happened. Really – Miss Paton has nearly a bad as habit as drawing trouble to her as Harry does.

But I'm still not quite sure. Because I'm also going to be absolutely safe in a couple of hours – but unlike Harry, I won't be sharing the experience with a person or people who like me. Instead I'll be going into a safe house with none other than my worse enemy.

"You've got to be joking."

Hermione sat perched on the edge of her air, her head slightly tilted to the left, fingers gripping into the soft padding on the armrests.

"No Hermione, I'm afraid I'm not."

Disbelief showed in every fibre of Hermione's being. How could Professor Dumbledore be doing this? To me. I _need_ to continue my research. It's vital that I do. And to do so I need books. And intelligent people.

Not being stuck in the middle of nowhere with some stuck up Slytherin cow.

Who I hate with a passion. And who also hates me with the same if not more passion.

"It's vital that you continue your research. But to be here to continue you need to be alive. And that's why I'm putting you in a safe house, which only I can access once you and your companion are in it." Professor Dumbledore smiled gently, a kind look in his eyes, "And I'm sure that you will find the library very satisfactory to your research needs," A twinkle appeared in the old man's eyes, "Not to mention your research buddy and living companion."

Hermione sighed. Obviously there was no way she was going to be getting out of this. She would be placed in the safe house where she could do her research without fear of her life. And she would just have to accept that none other than Pansy Parkinson was going to be her housemate.

Even though I'm a Slytherin, I still take notice of what happens in the other houses. But nobody could help but notice that the famous Harry Potter was gone. It was whispered at the time that he had been placed in a safe house by Dumbledore.

But I knew better.

Not by anybody telling me – but by actually looking and seeing what was in front of me.

It couldn't have just been a timely coincidence that 'Jamari Paton' showed up the day after Potter disappeared. Nobody else saw it that way though – even when I pointed it out to them. All I got was "your waaaay to suspicious Pansy" "Oh shut up with your bloody conspiracy theories" from my so called friends and fellow Slytherins.

Humph. I knew I was correct and that was all that mattered. But just to be sure I watched 'Miss Paton'.

Draco's high obsession over her and the way he got riled up over every little thing she did just help to prove my theory. The only other person he could summon such passion for was Potter – despite the difference in Draco 'loves' Miss Paton, and 'hated' Potter. I must admit it was amusing to watch Draco fall.

But now, just after the most interesting thing of the year has happened – I'm being sent away to a bloody safe house. It's all Draco's fault naturally. If he hadn't blurted out my name, with several others of our class mates, when he was proclaiming his un-swaying devotion to the Light, then I would still be safe. Still living a lie – but at least safe from bodily and mental harm.

I suppose it's a good thing that I'm going into this safe house. Or at least that's what I first thought. I thought that I would be locked with somebody I like, or at least with somebody I didn't know. But instead Dumbledore has to nominate me as Granger's little safe house buddy.

Just fucking great.

I get stuck with nosy Granger, researching some obscure thing that probably will come to nothing in the end – since the freakin' 'Dark Lord' seems to be invincible. Damn it all! It also means that I don't get to watch 'Jamari Paton' for the obvious clues that she is really Potter.

Just fucking great.

"You've got to be joking."

Dumbledore just smiles and twinkles while shaking his head. "Of course I'm not Miss Parkinson. Is it so unbelievable that I think you and Miss Granger would work well together as a team?"

I can't help but look at him, scorn traced all over my face. A slight sneer plays at my lips, "Of course it's bloody unbelievable." I hear him tut over my use of language, "We've never gotten along. Her Gryffindor sensibilities, bossiness and never being able to mind her only business are only the beginning of her faults."

And now, my precious and esteemed headmaster has the audacity to grin at me. Grin!

"Now Miss Parkinson, I'm sure you both will do terrifically together while in hiding. I'm expecting you to help with the research", he winks, "And perhaps keep Miss Granger from working herself to death."

Eh?

"Like maybe, you two could…" He shrugs and his eyes start to twinkle more brightly, "Have some fun?"

Ha. As if. Fun with Granger. The researching _is_ Granger's idea of fun. Though the old man is right – perhaps it would be amusing to see Granger drunk and spilling all of her idealistic Gryffindor fantasies.

I cough and look innocent, "Though Professor Dumbledore, to have some fun, we have to have the right necessities." Once again he smiles, not at all fooled by my perfectly performed innocence.

"Miss Parkinson, I'm sure you will find that this safe house will cater to whatever you need."

Pansy thought for a second. Whatever I need. Perhaps sharing a safe house with Granger won't be that bad after all.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. They belong to J.K. Rowling. I'm not making any money from this in any way.

Slash of the male/male and female/female kind will eventually be appearing in this story. If you don't like slash, or the idea of Harry/Severus or Hermione/Pansy, then please leave. Don't read what you don't like.

* * *

Chapter Two.

_Pansy thought for a second. Whatever I need. Perhaps sharing a safe house with Granger won't be that bad after all._

* * *

Pansy smiled as she searched through the small house. It was quaint, but surprisingly, perfectly comfortable for two people. 

The small house had two bedrooms, a large lounge-room/study, kitchen and bathroom. Extremely country-like. And the kitchen was full of not only food – but necessities that were life to Pansy. Such as bundles of muggle cigarettes and wizard, as well as muggle alcohol products. Pansy cast a speculative eye over the cupboard of alcohol and cigarettes – she was sure that she would need more than that to survive even _one_ week house sharing with Granger.

Sneering as her thoughts turned back to the brown haired girl, Pansy tossed her long silky hair over one shoulder and grabbed a packet of cigarettes. Lighting up one, she started to investigate the rest of the kitchen.

At least it's well stocked with food and cooking stuff. I'll be able to cook up some real treats here. At least Dumbledore knows his cooking equipment better than his fashion. Grin.

But not for tonight's dinner. I'm hungry and it's getting late, so something simple for tonight. Pansy rumbled round in the fridge, and came out holding some pasta sauce and pasta. Shrug. I suppose this will do for tonight – but next time I'm making my own pasta and sauce from fresh ingredients.

Hmm... Well, that didn't take too long. And upon tasting the sauce it isn't _too_ bad – if I could find the bloody herbs I would have added some more basil. I suppose muggles are good at packaging easy to make food.

She lent back against the cupboard and lit another cigarette, breathing deeply while waiting for the pasta to cook.

I wonder how long we'll have to stay here. Probably until we finish this _vital_ piece of research. Groan. Research. And on top of the bloody research, we also have to complete the rest of our schoolwork.

* * *

_Hermione and Pansy were seated in the Headmaster's office. Professor Dumbledore sat behind his large desk and looked carefully at the two girls in front of him. His expression was serious, but his eyes were twinkling. _

"_While you are both in the safe house you'll need to keep up to-date on all of your schoolwork. This means that I'll be giving you the rest of your work for the year for each of your classes. Each piece of work assigned has a due by date."_

_He smiled, "I'll be popping round to see how you girls are faring at least once every week, so you can hand it into me then and I'll pass it along to your teachers. I trust that you are both capable of working independent from teachers, and are mature enough to be able to help each other if need be."_

_Both girls' eyes widened slightly, and had the common thought of "yeah right!" Dumbledore just ignored their reactions and continued, "The house will provide everything that you could possibly need for your stay – and if you need anything extra, all you have to do is go to the hallway linden closet, stand in there and think about what you need really really hard." _

_Pansy was looking at Dumbledore like he was crazy. Hermione, more used to the old Headmasters ideas and ways, just smiled and nodded. The Headmaster pulled a muggle cd from behind his desk, "Do you have everything that you possibly need?" Pansy and Hermione nodded, "Good. Now touch the cd and you'll be on your way."_

_The girls reached out hesitantly. When they touched the cd there was a slight poof of smoke, and they disappeared from Dumbledore's sight. "Now don't worry girls, you'll be fine in the safe house. And there you won't be able to ruin Severus and Harry's happy time together by figuring out who Jamari Paton really is." Professor Dumbledore leaned back in his chair, and with a satisfied smile popped a lemon sherbet into his mouth. _

* * *

From her position against the cupboard, Pansy watched as Hermione walked into the kitchen. From the obviously glee on her face, the girl had just seen the library. Taking a long drag of her cigarette Pansy let the smoke out slowly. 

"So what do you think of our new bachelorette pad?" Pansy decided she liked that small squeak and jump Hermione had just completed. I'll have to try and get that reaction from her again. How very amusing.

Pansy just smirked when Hermione glared at her, "I think that it's fantastic…" she gave an imitation of Pansy's smirk, "Too bad I have to share it with you." The dark haired girl just raised an eyebrow and took another drag on her cigarette. So the little girl has got a tongue… Another thing I'll remember to try and draw out.

Hermione's eyes narrowed, "What's in the cupboard behind you?"

Pansy shrugged and moved away from the doors. Hermione purposely strode forward, and yanked them open. Ha. I bet she wasn't expecting that!

* * *

Oh my gods. 

What the bloody hell was Professor Dumbledore thinking leaving stuff like _this_ in a safe house?

"What on earth is this _stuff_ here for?"

Hermione watched the other girl smirk – just wanting to slap it off her face.

"What do you think it's here for Miss Granger?"

Eh? What would you use alcohol and cigarettes for… except for a good time?

* * *

I really wish that I had a camera right now. You can basically see the wheels in Granger's head working. 

Getting annoyed by waiting, "They're there to have fun with. Or in my case… for survival. Gods know I wouldn't last two days in a secluded house with only you and no alcohol."

Hermione just looked shocked, then there was a sudden flash of hurt on her face, as she turned round and flounced out of the room towards the study.

Shrug. Oh well. Glancing over to the pasta in the pot, it's nearly ready. Good. I'm getting bloody hungry. I suppose I'll get some out for Granger as well. I don't suppose Dumbledore would like his precious research assistant to starve to death.

**

* * *

To Anybody Reading: **

This is a spin-off fic that focuses on Hermione and Pansy. There will be mentioning of Harry/Severus and possibly others, and "You've got to be Joking" is definitely related to "You Want What".

I'm sure that you can read this fic separate to "You Want What" but some of the things mentioned might be a bit random, and might not make sense if you don't.

Just giving you the head's up.


End file.
